“Dear God,” I begin, while kneeling on the thin carpeted floor, my elbows on the bed, just like I’ve done since I was a kid. “I have prayed and fasted, and sacrificed for others. I have worked hard, treated many with a respect they hadn’t earned, and given to those that didn’t deserve it. I’ve fulfilled your commandments and done everything by your holy and confusing book, yet my life continues to suck, and I am beginning to doubt… I know that doubt is a dangerous place to be, so I am asking to know the truth and to never be left in doubt again. Please, somehow, let me know the truth. ‘The truth will set you free,’ that’s the saying, isn’t it…?”
I am hoping that this means free from doubt. And I belatedly wonder: Is that a saying from the Holy Book? And the next moment a brilliant yellow flash of light forces my eyes closed; this is quickly followed by a strange rumbling sound, as if the room was about to pass an enormous amount of gas.
With some trepidation, I risk a peek, and there, floating before my eyes, is what looks like a vastly bloated m&m candy that’s been left in the sun too long. The colour faded to a sickly yellow, the coating all bumpy and unsightly. There are eyes and a mouth on its perfectly spherical body, but no head or neck or legs, just long skinny arms─two sets of them─with chubby hands grasping what appears to be thick wads of paper.
“What the hell are you?” I shout in shocked outrage, more pissed off than afraid ―I was in the middle of a heartfelt request.
“You don’t recognize me? I’m the guy you talk to every day and every night and twice on Fridays.”
“What?”
“I’m your god.”
“I don’t know what you are, but you are certainly not my God, nor anyone else’s ─unless you’re the God of grossly deformed candies.”
“Hey, that’s a good one! Usually I’m mistaken for a disgusting insect grown to gargantuan proportions or a mutated bacteria with chubby pili. But seriously, I am your god.”
“How can that possibly be? You’re…you’re nothing like a God!”
“Hey, don’t complain to me –you’re the one who created me! Well, not just you. A whole bunch of you guys and gals got together and decided that I was just the perfect type of god to worship.”
“What the hell are you talking about? We can’t create a God! They’re omnipotent, they’re eternal. No beginning and no end and all that!”
‘Well, that’s what we want you to believe. Or rather, that’s what you humans want to believe. We just keep reinforcing your belief –as requested.”
“This is ridiculous! Gods are all powerful! We can’t just make them up!”
“Why not?”
“Because…because it’s absurd, that’s why!
It suddenly occurred to me that I might be dreaming; I can have some very real-feeling dreams.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m trying to wake myself up.”
“Oh. Having any luck?”
“Stop talking to me.”
“Sure, I can do this one small thing for you. At least I can do that.”
“You’re not doing it!”
“Look, I didn’t make me –you guys did.”
“And what exactly did we make?”
“A bloated god who takes all and gives nothing back in return.”
“That is utterly outrageous! Our God is a loving God who─”
“Only gives you love if you follow all the rules.”
“Who requires us to follow The Commandments─”
“But then gives you free will─”
“Which allows us the freedom to make our own choices─”
“But burns you in Hell forever if you make the wrong choice.”
He had me there.
“Okay, it’s not a perfect system,” I admit. “The Holy Book is shrouded in mystery and mysticism.”
“It’s confusing and contradictory.”
“Of course it is. How could we mere humans possibly understand God’s great plan?”
“You think there’s a plan? Look, I’m just trying to get through the day.”
“Get though the day? What the hell does that mean ─never mind, I wasn’t talking about you!”
“Well, actually, you were. So I’ll tell you what it means to be your god. It means that I have to gorge myself, everyday, on the stuff that you guys keep throwing at me,” the stale candy announced, while shaking its chubby fists holding the reams of paper, and I realize that they’re crammed with writing. “I can’t say no, because that’s not how I was created. I’ve got to keep taking in all your demands and expectations and requests, and your begging and deal-making and stupid questions, and your homage and sacrifices and adoration, and keep stuffing them all inside, day after day. I get no rest ─my blood pressure is shot! I’m so bloated, I can’t even see my toes anymore.”
“You don’t have any toes.”
“Exactly.”
“Hey,” it suddenly occurs to me, “if you don’t ever give anything in return, why are you here?
“Well, there is one exception… It’s something you all want but few of you have the courage to ask for. But if asked, I can give it.”
“And what is that?”
“The truth. You humans make a big deal about Truth, but it also scares the crap out of you. Almost nobody tells the truth or wants to hear the truth, so usually nobody asks.”
“Oh.”
“Look, it’s been great talking to you, and if was up to me, I’d stay and chat until the next millennium, but I didn’t make the rules. You get the straight, unvarnished truth and that’s it. That’s all I’m permitted to say. Maybe I said too much. Hope not: I get serious stomach cramps when that happens.”
“But what am I supposed to do with this information? Can’t you offer any wisdom?”
“My advice: if you’re in need of assistance, don’t pray to god ─or at least not to me. Pray to a god who can actually help.”
And with that ─Poof! the stale-candy was gone.
I try to wake myself up again. Nothing happens. What if this isn’t a dream…? What if the stale-candy god was telling the truth? That would mean I’ve been praying to a false God all these years!
Feeling deeply disturbed, I go into the living room to stand before the glossy image of the Sacred Cauliflower gleaming in all its pearly witness: the living head of our God. And I am suddenly struck by the sheer absurdity of it. How could humanity have invented such a God? It was completely ridiculous! No mere humans could have designed the infinite purity and beauty that shone from the Divine Head ─it was beyond belief.
Finding reassurance in her holy image, I return to my bed, ready for a peaceful sleep, knowing that my prayer has been answered: I was no longer in doubt.