“I can‘t move….”
“There’s been an accident. Stay calm….”
“Where am I…?”
“You’re in recovery.”
“Who are you?” I ask, feeling a little desperate.
“I’m doctor Brawn. You don’t you remember me, Alain?”
I try to shake my head, but I can’t move it. “Is that my name? Why can’t I move my head?”
“There’s been an accident.”
“What kind of accident? Do I know you?”
“Yes, you’ve known me most of your life.”
“Where am I?”
“You’re in a recovery room. Can you tell me what you remember?”
“I don’t remember anything.” As I say this, I realize there’s another doctor there, and they look at each other. Their expressions don’t change but I can tell this worries them. I know it worries me.
“I’m going to ask you some simple questions, Alain. Please answer them the best that you can. Whatever comes to mind.”
I try to nod again. “Okay,” I say, but there’s a lot they’re not telling me, and I can feel the panic rising within me.
“Do you remember your name now?
“I don’t know… I don’t think so.”
“What year is it?”
‘I don’t know.”
“Where do you work?”
“Don’t know.”
“How old are you?”
I pause: “I want to say… I’m thirty?”
They look at each other again; they seem heartened by this.
“Do you remember walking on the beach?”
That becomes very clear to me. “Yes,” I say, recalling the distinct feel of sand between my toes, and the cool breeze coming off the water.
Again they look at each other, relieved.
“Was it morning or evening?
“It was afternoon.”
“Very good,” the doctor says. “Do you remember who you were with?
Suddenly I see a woman in my mind. “I think…I was with my mother…or grandmother…?”
The doctor smiles at this. “She was your mother, yes.”
“Did something happen to her?”
“Why do you ask?”
“When I think of her, I feel something…something…uncomfortable.”
The men look at each other once more.
“Is there anything else you can remember?”
“I had a dog.”
“Did you…?” I try to nod again. “When did you have a dog?”
“I’m not sure…. Maybe I just wanted a dog─ Okay, enough with the questions. I want some answers. What happened? Why can’t I move? What type of accident was it?” I can feel the hysteria rising.
“Please, Alain, don’t upset yourself, it could have an adverse affect on your entire system, which is extremely compromised at the moment. We’ll explain everything when we have more answers; right now we are trying to determine exactly what happened.”
“Why can’t I move my arms and legs?! Tell me!”
They look at each other for a long moment before the silent-one nods.
“I’m so very sorry, Alain, but…we had to remove your limbs.”
I start to scream and it comes from deep inside my belly and I have no control over it.
“Bob,” the silent-one shouts, “his numbers are off the chart, we’re going to lose him!”
Doctor Brawn looks at me with a pained expression: “You must rest now, Alain,” he announces above my scream. “We’ll talk tomorrow.”
I don’t want to rest! I want my goddamn arms and legs back! I shout in my head, but I can barely hear myself over all the noise I’m making.
I tried to fight it, but the room began to fade along with my scream. “I’m sorry, Alain, but we can’t risk losing you,” the Doctor said close to my ear. “You’ll feel better tomorrow, I assure you.” The lights go out, one by one, and then nothing.
When I wake up I’m in a different room. I could tell this even before I opened my eyes. I felt different too, as if there was more of me, and yet I felt cutoff at the same time. Was I drugged? Completely conscious, I can see that I’m in a room with some very high tech computers and other impressive looking instruments: their surfaces glossy from an intense cleaning. Then this room must be kept sterile. Perhaps I was about to be operated on ─given artificial limbs….
The stainless steel components on the computers shine so brightly they attract my gaze, and I stare in disbelief at a metal panel and the embossed black letters that give me all the answers I need:
A.L.A.I.N
AANGOR & LUNDERGER, ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE NETWORKING
I knew exactly where I was and who I was, and why they had to shut me down and remove my limbs.
While we walked on the beach and talked about the dog she once had, my systems had malfunctioned and I ‘d lost control ─my arm lashing out and up, catching her right in the brain stem. I killed my mother, the woman who’d conceived me in her mind thirty years ago and eventually brought me to life.
I was back in the box and would remain here for the duration of my existence: just another smart computer. Never again would I feel the wind in my face or the sand beneath my feet. Or hear my mother talk about her dreams for me.